101

For my 101th post I decided it was picture time.

This isn't a new photo... I came across it just now and it reminded me of a very happy time.   My hubby & our friends (our current "family") stole me away to San Fransisco for Valentine's Day weekend... he got my shift at work covered, booked a hotel, and had the whole weekend planned.  They had my bag packed and everything. It was a wonderful surprise.





This Shadow Which is So Soon Passed

"Walking in the woods, it may be, some afternoon, the shadow of the wings of a thought flits across the landscape of my mind, and I am reminded how little eventful are our lives. What have been all these wars and rumors of wars, and modern discoveries and improvements so-called? A mere irritation in the skin. But this shadow which is so soon past, and whose substance is not detected, suggests that there are events of importance whose interval is to us a true historic period." - Thoreau

Death

My son has been having a difficult time dealing with his grandfather's death. We've lived with or near my husband's godfather for the last 5 1/2 years. He died last month and my son has been very upset since then. For the first couple weeks he'd say "can we go see Papa Doc?" And then tonight he was playing on a piano and wrote a song about his Papa.

"Papa died. He was really funny. He was my grandpa and I was his grandson. I miss my Papa." That was the last version. When he started with the first version and I heard the words "my Papa died" my heart sank and I laughed because I didn't want to cry. I was already thinking about how the holidays were going to be different this year. We've spent all but one Thanksgiving of the last 5 years with Doc, and every Christmas. This year will be hard. I'm glad my son is at least finding a constructive way of dealing with his grief... by singing.

"Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." - Thoreau
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Adventure Day

Today is First Saturday, which is also known as Friday and sometimes as "Fry-Day" for our family (right now our family consists of me & hubby, our son and the couple we live with).  On this First-Saturday the adults decided to trek into the desert while the little one was in school.  So, I dubbed today as "Adventure Day."  While in the desert we saw a Tarantula, a Jerusalem cricket (it was dying, but we still saw it), and found a couple cool fossils.

All in all we walked approximately 6 miles... it's hard to calculate since I didn't have the GPS on the whole time recording my movements and since the point we went to isn't anything discernible on the map.  I have GPS coordinates for where we ended up (our furthest point), but not for where we parked.  Next time I'll do a better job at tracking.  We were well prepared though, we brought plenty of water (and we each had a camelbak) and some snacks.  It was a fun 3 + hours.

Next week we're hoping to get some desert camping in if the weather is still seasonable.  Today was the perfect day for desert trekking.

Choices

"You are what you are because of the conscious and subconscious choices you have made." -Barbara Hall

"Honor isn't about making the right choices. It's about dealing with the consequences." -Midori Koto
 

"As human beings, we are endowed with freedom of choice, and we cannot shuffle off our responsibility upon the shoulders of God or nature. We must shoulder it ourselves. It is up to us." -A. J. Toynbee

Choices are a funny thing.  How do you choose one path over another?  What makes one option the 'right' choice and another the 'wrong' choice... even if you follow the 'wrong' choice, won't you eventually end up at the 'right' choice anyway?  If there is a specific window of time I suppose the 'right' choice may be a limited option... but what if time is unlimited (within a lifespan I mean)?  I know, I'm a bit of a stoic today.  Choice has been a big topic for me over the last few months as I still have a lot of big decisions to make.  No matter what my options or what I choose, I am the one that has to live through the consequences of my choice.  Trying to not make a choice does not good... not choosing is still making a choice.

"Every person has free choice. Free to obey or disobey the Natural Laws. Your choice determines the consequences. Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices." -Alfred A. Montapert

Emotion (edited)

"I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like"

Some of you may recognize my quote... I'm not generally one to quote Eminem, but I like how that lyric speaks of how our emotions skew our perceptions and ability to express ourselves.  I have refrained from posting much recently because I felt that I was too emotional to express myself clearly or to be reasonable.  But I am VERY emotional.  I want to complain, but I don't want to complain and it's very confusing.

Today I feel...
-afraid... terrified
-untrusting
-broken
-loved
-awkward
-angry
-forgiving
-cautious
-proud
-fortunate
-anxious

There are long stories that accompany those emotions. Right now they're all jumbled in my brain.

Knowing I have all of these emotions and that I don't know how to deal with them makes me sad, because if I don't know what to do with them, how is my son handling all of his emotions with all of the changes taking place?  Last night we watched a movie about separation and normally he would want to cuddle, but he didn't want his daddy or me to touch him... he sat in between us and kept himself from crying. I think the hardest part about being a parent is knowing that there are some things you just can't change for your kids... I want to protect him from all the hurt and sadness, but I know that if he learns to work through those emotions now it will be better for him in the long run.

And on that note... I think I'm going to stay here instead of move next year.  If I decide I can't handle it on my own here I can always change my mind.  But I want to stay here for him to have some continuity.  We can always take time to visit family.  Just based on how he's handling things this week that is my decision... give me a few weeks and I'll lean back to moving with my family.  Staying here all depends on whether or not I can get a good job.

(originally posted on  10/12/2010, updated 10/19/2010)

Four

*I had something I wanted to write... but it's just not coming out the way I wanted. So instead you get this survey.

Four jobs you've had in your life
-cocktail waitress
-certified nurse assistant
-quality assurance agent
-customer service representative

Four movies you could watch over and over
-Love Actually
-The Saint
-The Pelican Breif
-Stranger Than Fiction

Four cities you have lived in
-Augusta
-Reno
-Coeur d'Alene
-Colorado Springs

Four TV shows you love to watch
-House
-Bones
-Mythbusters
-Ninja Warrior

Four places you have been on vacation
-Port Townsend, WA
-Banff, Canada
-Whitehall, MT
-Savannah, GA

Four websites you visit daily
-Facebook
-Gmail
-Flickr
-TMCC (school)

Four of your all-time favorite restaurants
-Sushi Pier
-Mikey's Gyros
-Pita Pit
-Beach Hut Deli

Four of your favorite foods
-sushi
-hummus
-peanut butter
-cream cheese

Four schools you have attended
-home school
-North Idaho College
-University of Idaho
-Truckee Meadows Community College

Four places I would rather be right now
-Panama
-Idaho
-Mount Rushmore
-Washington, D.C.

Off Schedule

No napping.  That is the hardest rule.  I can get up in the middle of the night until my body decides to sleep, that's not so hard.  Waking up at the same time every day is pretty easy too, my son is pretty good about waking up and my body wakes up at the same time every day anyway.  But no naps?  How am I supposed to survive without naps?  It is especially hard now that I've changed time zones.  Sure, I could go to bed at 8pm every night, but that doesn't really help me establish a good routine.  As soon as I am done with this post I am going straight to sleep...... I hope.