The right kind of thoughts.

Growth

“Whenever we make our happiness conditional on something else (I can be happy when I am in a relationship, when I have more money in the bank, when I lose 20 pounds…), we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to be happy and enjoy life right now!” – Jonathan Manske & Mattison Grey

This morning I went running with a friend. Instead of saying to myself “I just ran!” I said, “I didn’t run as much as I thought I should.” It took me from feeling good because I ran to feel bad because I didn’t do enough.

The above quote is from a book I have been reading about how to inspire other people by taking judgmental statements out of speech. That particular quote is from the chapter all about removing self-judgment from our inner-dialogue.

I am one of the most self-critical people I know. I am sensitive. You look at me funny and instead of thinking you might be squinting because the sun is shining in your eyes I think that you are inwardly judging me. Why? Because I am judging myself.

Since classes ended I have done nothing but self-criticize and think about how happy I’ll be once ___ happens. I don’t know what started the cycle, but I started to doubt myself. Doubt my motives. Doubt my ability. Doubt my intentions.

Will I be happy when I finally can run as for as fast as I think I should? No. I will be happy when I realize that I am good enough, just the way I am. I need to stop comparing myself to the crazy idea of “normal” that I have lodged in my brain and start comparing myself to me. No one else is me, I cannot be anyone else. I am perfectly me, just the way I am.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” – Dr. Seuss

 

So, on my quest to learn how to motivate and inspire other people to do and be their best I have discovered some things about myself. As long as I’m living I’m growing and learning.

Transition

…right now I am waiting. Waiting for the next phase in my life to begin. The semester ended and I made decent grades (yes, I am an overachiever but I also understand that considering all the pressures I felt this semester I did well) and now the waiting begins.

Waiting doesn’t mean sitting and doing nothing. I am going to take this time for relaxation and self-care. Upon finishing this post I am going to do some core, arm, and leg work-outs and tomorrow morning I will begin running with my friend. We hope to make our runs a regular occurrence and I plan to make my work-outs a twice daily event. The physical side of things is the easier of the two, I am finding it difficult to relax mentally.

I also need to get busy packing. Part of all of the change occurring this summer includes a move to a nearby city with a better school system and more employment opportunities for Mr. B. He has only been able to find temporary work since he came home, we live week to week not really knowing if he will be working the following week. This is another reason I need to take some time for self-care. Between school and uncertainty about how we are going to pay the bills I have experienced a lot of stress lately, enough that I find it difficult to talk to some of my closest friends. The hermit in me wants to suffer all the stress alone. So I put on a brave face and keep moving forward. I will be positive not because I feel positive, but because being positive makes me feel positive and that makes me feel better.

Everything will be okay. It always is.