Thursday, May 13, 2010


I feel so unhappy right now.  Depressed.  It's probably normal.  I need to go run.  I need to go take pictures.  I need to take my son somewhere to have fun.  The weather has been crazy so I've been using that as an excuse, but I guess really I've just been wallowing.  And I want to keep wallowing for a little while longer... I need to cry.  It will come.  Among all the big changes there are also other things I need to deal with... "normal" things just in the sense that I would have had to deal with them even without all the changes.

Does this jumble of words mean anything? 
I miss you.  I miss your eyes.  I miss your smile.  I miss your laugh.  I miss you teasing me.  I miss you holding me.

I feel like I've lost a lot of my security... and I know that my son is feeling the same way.  I need to pull myself together to help him feel more secure.  Time for a jog.  But this time I need to start slow.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Sperm Meets Egg

Yes.  I am talking about reproduction.
My husband & I explained to our son how the baby seed gets in the mommy's belly and how the baby seed is part mommy and part daddy.
We had the discussion via Skype since my husband is out-of-state, so it was a little strange.  Our son was a bit embarrassed after we explained how sperm gets planted in the mommy and wriggles its way to the egg to make a baby seed.  We used all the correct terminology. 

I thought he would have asked a lot of questions (and I can tell you certain questions I was dreading!), but he didn't.  He got embarrassed and we told him that he didn't need to be embarrassed, that it was part of life and he could talk to us and ask us any questions he wanted, and we stopped the conversation.  Tonight at bedtime he asked me to explain it again.  So I showed him images I found online showing the sperm planting itself in the egg... and then all the stages of fetal development.  I was always fascinated by fetal images as a child.  He was in awe and wanted to keep looking at pictures of developing babies.

I know he has questions.  I can watch his face and see him trying to figure it all out.  When he's ready he'll ask questions, and when he does... I'll answer them, as uncomfortable as it may be.

24 Hour Suicide Prevention/Crisis Texting Program!

Monday, May 10, 2010


Tonight I got a phone call from a friend.  Making friends as an adult isn't an easy thing.  You have work, maybe school, but most of the people you know are people you've known for a good many years.  You met through school growing up.  Through previous employment.  Through mutual acquaintances.  Oh, perhaps you add in your neighbors.  All the kids at the local playground.  That's how you meet people.  It just gets more difficult as you get older.  Perhaps it's because we all become a little more reserved.  More guarded.  We are particular about who we let inside our "inner circle".  I am so guarded.

Anyway.  I got a phone call from my friend tonight.  She falls in the category of "new friend."  We met years ago, but we never really connected.  For a long time I thought she didn't like me much.  I wonder if she felt the same way?  I suppose our friendship really took off a few months ago after Mr. B, Little Monster, & I moved in with her and her husband.  What a good and crazy time it was living with them!  Over the last few weeks I realized how good it was to spend time with them, how much we all needed that connection, and how much I miss them.  I didn't realize it was a mutual feeling.  When she called tonight and we started talking as if no time had passed I had an epiphany.  We are friends, really and truly friends... no longer just because our husbands are friends... and I felt like such a loser for not having called her first!  (you can laugh)

Was I simply too self-conscious, too self-absorbed to realize that she considered me a friend as well?  I feel like I have been too closed off, too reclusive and selective.  I am laughing to myself, thinking somehow she just found a way to let herself inside my bubble--and I'm glad for it.  I'm glad she opened me up and opened up to me, and she probably has no idea.  It's so funny how things like this work themselves out.  But I guess this is what life is all about.  I love funny little surprises.  And new friends.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Jayme is raising money for the America Cancer Society and giving away a great prize in the process (how super creative of her!). Whether you'd like to win the chair, or just help her meet her goal I know she'd love it either way. :)


Okay, Maybe Not

Today I went running for the first time in 6 months.  It felt good, but my lungs hurt.  A combination of not drinking enough water, allergies, and the altitude.  I'm not disappointed in myself though, I have a lot of training that I need to do to get to the point I want to be at.  Tomorrow I'm going to start working on my breathing.  Yoga and some crossfit should do the trick.

When I wrote my last post I was feeling very down.  Today I feel numb.  I miss Mr. B even though I know that I should be able to see him within a month from today and then again for July 4th.  Little Monster hasn't talked much to him, or really about him, though he keeps expressing his opinion that I shouldn't go back to work.  We figured out everything for the trips... Mr. B should be able to come here instead of Little Monster and I going there which will make it significantly less expensive... and also means that I don't need to go back to work.  I would like to find something part-time to do while he's in school, but with the luck I've had so far I think I would like to do some volunteer work while he's in school.  It would be good for me.

Earlier I signed up for my classes for Fall semester.  Apparently I was supposed to have registered for classes on April 22nd, but I never go the email... but I only filled out my FAFSA today, so it's not a super-big deal.  I signed up for Abnormal Psychology, Peoples and Cultures of the World, Ancient and Medieval Culture, and Psychology of Personal and Social Adjustment.  I'm actually excited about the classes I get to take. :)  At the end of the semester I'll only have two classes left for my Associates degree.  It will have only taken me 7 semesters, but with all the major changing I did and all the time I took off it's not too bad.

But for now, sleep.  Insomnia is only further advanced by the computer screen.  Good night.

A view out the back door from yesterday.  It's so pretty to see the snow blowing off the top of the peak.