Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Emotional Overload

I'm an emotional train-wreck.
This last week has been so up-and-down that I feel like a mess. I haven't been sleeping well and I needed a nap today just to stave off a panic attack. Shouldn't I be feeling more happy and excited than anything? It's weird and hard to describe how I'm feeling.

But tomorrow night I'm getting all dressed up and going out on a date with my husband.
I am completely surprising him with all sorts of stuff this weekend since I haven't seen him for a few months and won't see him for another few months. I won't even post all my secret plans here in case he decides to be tricky and look.

Pictures will be posted on my Facebook for all my friends to see, hopefully I'll get someone to snap a photo of us all dressed up and post that here.

I am so excited about my weekend plans with my hubby. I've missed him a lot the last couple of months and I think that's a large part of why I'm so emotional.

Do you have any exciting plans for Independence Day weekend?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Summer Time!

Yay! I'm so excited that summer is finally here.
Temps in the 80's/90's all week... and I just got my new sunglasses.

This year has been very eventful so far:
1) We moved out of our apartment and in with friends.
2) We found out Mr. B would be gone considerably longer than first expected.
3) Little Monster & I moved half way across the country.
4) Little Monster graduated kindergarten and turned 6.

More to come!

-Next month is my & Mr. B's 8th anniversary
-Mr. B comes to visit next month as well
-Little Monster starts 1st grade in Aug.
-Sept I go back "home" for Jenn's bachelorette party
-Oct I go back "home" for Jenn's wedding
-Nov/Dec Mr. B gets a few weeks at home

What has happened for you so far, and what is coming up?

"Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." - Thoreau
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Sleep Sweet

I started work on Monday.
Today at lunch I realized... I hate my job. I don't just dislike the job, I absolutely hate it.
So tonight, after dinner, I left a message at the office saying that I would not be in tomorrow, that the job just was not a good fit, and I would be by within the next few days to turn in my keys.

What an incredibly bizarre experience.

Should I actually call them tomorrow? Should I explain all of my reasons when they call?

1) You haven't explained to me what is done at the office.
2) You told me once how to do a very detailed process and then left me to work it all out on my own... and then were frustrated when I made a mistake; you did tell me to ask you questions, but acted like you were too busy too answer.
3) You're not paying me enough to figure out everything on my own, do all the filing, and organize everything.
4) Considering how many people have been in the position in the last year... don't you think there's something wrong with your training process?

It's weird.  What I thought I wanted, what I thought I was getting, wasn't what  got.  I'm a little disappointed.  But I feel SO much better after making that call. The banana split (with Neapolitan!!!) helped.

I can sleep peacefully tonight.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Good News

Yesterday I had an interview for a receptionist position at a pain management clinic. I was very excited with how well the interview went. Today I got a call back and was offered the job, I start Monday at 9 am. This is very exciting, it means that on my trips "back home" this fall that I can fly instead of drive (instead of 8 days driving it will only be 4 days flight time).


Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Do you have those secrets that you wish everyone knew, but are afraid to tell?
Maybe they make you look bad... maybe they make someone else look bad.
Is a person defined by what secrets they chose to keep?

I want to talk about my secrets, but I don't want anyone else to know.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


Part One
Funny story.  Not funny like "haha" but funny like "strange."

One of my friends has the habit of asking question as her statuses on Facebook; today she asked about dreams.  "What is your dream(what you want most out of life)?" For the last year I've been reevaluating my goals, my dreams, my motivation in life... but when I decided to respond to her question, my answer came, almost effortlessly.

It's funny, I was just reminded of a philosophy that you can only find something once you stop looking... and maybe that's what happened.  I'm happy.  I rediscovered my dream.  Cyclically, I tend to revisit my dream every few years in order to ensure that what I wanted a few years before it what I still want out of life... I can't see this one changing.

Leonardo da Vinci said "As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death." My grandfather passed this January and it was beautiful.  When my end comes, I want to be able to say that I lived and know that I did what I could do with what I was given, no regrets.  I do not want to hold back, afraid to 'do' in fear of failure.

The last sentence I added just now, developing the thought a little.  It's interesting, fear of failure has always been my enemy.  Growing up I was terrified of failing and letting someone down... but honestly, I have only to answer to myself.

What's your dream?

Part Two
Every once in a while I'll have a dream about a friend, a family member, a co-worker-someone I have a deep connection with... and when I wake up I will feel a sense of urgency to make sure that the person in my dream is alright.  It seems every time I've had a dream like that something has been going on in that person's life.  Maybe it's some sort of spiritual connection, maybe it's just the inner workings of my sleeping mind evaluating indicators that my waking mind cannot process, but it's uncanny.

I've also experienced shared or "mutual dreams" which is weird, mostly because it's nearly unexplainable except as coincidence... and the other explanations?  Those get a little weird for me.

And then there was the dream the night this happened....

...that night gives me goosebumps.

Ever had a strange, true-to-life dream?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

One day at a time...

Just venting last night made me feel better.

One goal:  to exercise while my son is at Summer school.
I have two websites I can reference,  and
Once I can get my breathing under control I'm going to add some running... I'm working on finding a way to run here without dying of an asthma attack.  My allergies are hyperactive here.

Today... life is learning.

I realize my statement about losing someone to death being easier seems cold and I feel bad that I tried to relate the two.  I talked to my Aunt today, my uncle died nearly 13 years ago, and asked her what she thought... she said that death is harder.  It makes sense: when it's temporary you know that you'll see them again, you know you'll get to say all the things you want to say.  When they die they're gone forever, there's no coming back, no chance of a smile or a kiss.  My hubby is coming home, maybe I don't know when and maybe I don't know for how long, and maybe it will be a difficult transition back and forth, but he is not gone forever.  I feel better today in that comfort.  No matter how hard today is, I'll see him again.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Breathe In Breathe Out

Missing You

Each day is a challenge.  How do you keep moving when you miss someone so much it hurts?  Last year I thought that if I could just get through those 5 months everything would be okay.  How was I to know that I would again face the same challenge?  And now... it seems the end is so far away.  But I find it so hard to let go and just cry.  Somehow I feel that as long as I keep from crying I'll be okay.

I keep trying to find ways to distract myself, just so I don't have to think about everything going on.  Is that a good approach?  I bought some games for my son to play too, to keep him preoccupied.  The last week has been especially difficult on him.  I hope that starting summer school tomorrow will help keep him busy enough... I know it will give me some time to do something for me.  My goal is to exercise while he's in school.

It just feels like half of me is missing.  How do you deal with that?  When someone dies I think it's easier because you can just move on... but this is only temporary... how do you deal with that?  I need to go watch my deployment videos again.  This is only temporary.  Everything will be okay.  Breathe.

Listening to songs that remind me of him make me smile. I love my husband and it's nice to know that he loves me too.  I can do this.  Breathe.