Clockwatching

Insomnia.  Or maybe it's the energy drink I downed at work today to keep me from falling asleep at work as a result of my insomnia from the night before?  I'm not sure.

I am supposed to be writing a paper about my personal struggles with sleep disorders.  Is it a good time to write that while in the middle of a bout of insomnia?  I can always edit later.  Maybe I should and just go for it.

My sleeping habits are pitiful.  When I took Psych 101 the first time my term paper was on insomnia.

Growing up I used to have fits of insomnia.  I think my parents were okay with it and never did anything about it because I would clean when I was unable to sleep.  Now?  Now I just want to sit and finish all the old seasons of Scrubs before I leave for Colorado.

I'm supposed to be sending money for a house within the next couple of days.  I'm nervous.  Committing to something this big makes me anxious.  I keep mulling over my finances in my head, even though I know it will be okay.  And I'm wondering if my move date is too soon since I'll have to come back not even quite 2 weeks later for a math final.  It doesn't cost much for the drive, but it's a 2 day drive... and by myself... twice!  I wish I had a friend who had nothing better to do for a few days than to drive her with me and drive back with me the second time?

Thinking positive.  Thinking positive.

Amused

I just decided to blog surf.  Just press the "next" button at the top of the blog, it's fun.

Is it creepy that I enjoy eavesdropping on other people's lives?  They amused me (mostly).  Some people I thought were a little weird.  But it made me wonder what people think when they drop by my blog inadvertently?

If you're a creeper... what do you think?  I'm curious.

So that's it for this Sunday afternoon.  Mr. B & I are going to get our tattoos touched up tomorrow... they're "weak" on one side.  Here's a photo from when they were done two weeks ago:

We're also going to try to get a family photo together before Mr. B takes off.  If we can't do it tomorrow it will have to wait for next week... I am hoping for outdoor pictures so I want Spring to keep blooming this week (despite its effects on my allergies).

Also on the list of "to-do" is a family hike.  The weather has been so nice out the last few days... with today as the exception (chilly wind, a bit overcast)... it would be a shame to waste another beautiful day indoors.

How to balance the "dress-up" clothes for our photos with clothes for hiking?  It would be a bit amusing to try hiking in a dress and sneakers.

Today marks 8 years since Mr. B & I met.  It's been a great, and crazy 8 years.  I love you!

This Is One Time

I think I posted these lyrics before... but right now they describe where I am.

"The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most"

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming, beautiful exterior
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by

This is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by...

Well this is one time, well this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most

And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all..or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most 

 Life is chaos.  Life is ugly.  Life is hard, unpredictable, and cruel.  But life is beautiful too.  How is that possible?  Right now I just want to run away and hide.  I want to sleep the next year away and not even know it's happening.  Last year I thought that it was it, that's all I had to deal with, but everything changes.  Security is a counterfeit.  Nothing lasts forever.

Mr. B is leaving in two weeks and I really don't know when he'll be back.  It sounds like a year in a half.  It could be more, it could be less.  So I put in my notice at work and I'm moving to Colorado.  I just need something completely different.  I need to be with family.  I need to be away from everything that reminds me of him... but am I doing the right thing?  I want Little Monster to be as comfortable as he can be while Mr. B is away.  Maybe I can just stay at home with him full-time and stay here?  Would that do it?  I don't know, I don't know.  I'm sad.  I'm afraid.  I know I can handle this, I know I can, I just don't want to.  I don't want to be alone.  So is moving to Colorado the best thing?  Should I move to Idaho?  I don't want to go.  I don't want to stay.  I want someone to decide for me.

And I feel so selfish.  Because I know so many people going through their own big things right now and I feel like I'm letting everyone down.  I just can't be the strong one right now.  I'm tired of being the strong one.

"Suddenly Everything Has Changed"

Putting all the vegetables away
that you bought at the grocery store today.
And it goes fast, you think of the past.

Suddenly everything has changed.

Driving home the sky accelerates.
And the clouds all form a geometric shape.
And it goes fast, you think of the past.

Suddenly everything has changed.

Putting all the clothes you washed away,
As you're folding up the shirts you hesitate.
Then it goes fast, you think of the past.

Suddenly everything has changed.

August Phillip Apel

Dear Papa,

I didn't realize how much I would miss you.  Now that you are gone things seem so different, so transient.  You have always been there.  You were constant.  I kept saying that "death is part of life." that you had lived your time, but I imagine that since I have not been much acquainted with death that your death was a little shocking.

The other night I was unable to sleep.  I was thinking about all the things I never got to ask you.  I wish I would have just taken the time to ask you to tell me your life story.  What an interesting one that would have been!  Just the bits and pieces I know reveal a fascinating man.  I will not be sad about what I should have asked you, instead I'll be glad that I knew you.  Strong and constant... I always thought of you as the "rock" of the family.

I always loved hearing how you & Granny met and then were married less than a week later.  It seemed so perfect.  When I was  11 I remember we all celebrated your 50th wedding anniversary together, and I feel so privileged that I was also able to share your 65th with you.  You & Granny showed me that love can last a lifetime (literally!), and even though it takes work, that it is worth the work.  I am glad I was able to witness your love for each other even at the end.

I remember spending summers with you & Granny in St. Maries.  The walks we used to take.  The treasure hunts.  The stories.  The art gallery.  Then in my teens, I remember teaching you & Granny how to use the computer, get on the internet, and use email... and when you told me about the books you wrote when you were in your 20's (which I would still love to read!).

My life is better because you were a part of it.  Thank you so much for all that you did for me.

Love,
Nikky a.k.a Perpetual Motion (or P.M. for short)