Lately I’ve wondered if I censor myself too much. I have caught glimpses of impressions people have of me and thoughts they think of me and I don’t know how to react. Many experiences in my past have resulted in me attempting to portray the persona of perfection. Whole groups of people that I thought were my friends have betrayed me and left me questioning what I did wrong. Social psychology just tells me that there were some in-group expectations that were never communicated to me and that when I deviated from their expectations they shut me out. Those experiences (and a few others) have made me expect perfection from myself in order to prevent those kind of situations from ever happening again.
But have I instead begun to alienate everyone else by trying to be so perfect?
The thing is that I’m not trying to be better than anyone else. I’m trying to be… shit… “better than me” is the first thought that came to mind.
What you don’t see is the several moments of contemplation following that revelation. You don’t see the tears welling up in my eyes. You don’t hear my inner voice telling me to put my shoes on and go for a run and forget that the thought ever presented itself.
Away I go with the intention of further contemplation of what I’ve just discovered… where has your journey led you lately?