Day 19

Today my life consists of realizing that it’s okay to need people.  I’m supposed to need people.  Because, after all, isn’t life people?

I was able to chat with my husband…it was nice to hear his voice.  I really needed that today.  I feel silly for thinking that this adjustment period would be easy because of how much we’ve had to adjust over the last year.  It does make me laugh a little, since I read today for Psychology that people tend to overestimate or underestimate how they will react and adjust to an upcoming change.  I guess there are just too many uncontrolled external factors for anyone to be able to gauge how they will react to a give situation.  Even if all the variables were controlled, would our emotions stay in check?

My husband seems to be doing very well.  He said that he still doesn’t fit in with the group of people he’s with, but he’s trying to make the best of the situation since he can’t change it.  He inspires me to want to be better.


I realized something last night.  It’s hard for me to ask for help.  I’ve always been pretty independent and self-sufficient… and somehow I’ve always felt the need to “prove” that I can take care of myself.  I never wanted anyone to treat me like I was weak or incapable of handling whatever situation arose.  But is it also possible that it’s hard for me to ask for help because I don’t trust people?

The truth is, I keep thinking that I need to be the one holding everything together… but it’s making me fall apart.  I feel like I’ve been very self-centered, negative, depressed, whiney, and (insert other adjective here).  Someone might say “well you have a lot going on.”  I don’t see that as a excuse.  I like to say that excuses are unacceptable, but reasons have to be reasonable.  No excuses.

And so… I have to ask for help.  I ask for assistance when my dryer breaks, for help moving my furniture, for help lighting my hot water heater pilot… and who knows what else is going to come up along the way.  It doesn’t make me weak, it makes me human.  People are not meant to be self-sufficient; I am no exception.

My son and I were able to spend a good amount of time cuddling today.  I am glad that he doesn’t think he’s too big to cuddle yet… though he is almost too big for my lap.  It was nice to know he needed me and for him to know that I needed him.  Several times today he came to me and said “mom, I need attention.  I need some cuddles.”  The other day he was acting up so much that I sat him down and explained to him that if he needs some extra attention all he needs to do is tell me, I want to give him all the love and attention he needs and if I can I will stop what I’m doing to give him some love; I explained that being naughty is not going to give him the kind of attention he wants, because he doesn’t like to be in trouble.  So he’s been making sure to tell me that he wants my attention instead of being naughty to get it.  I’ve been trying to keep my homework restricted to the hours he’s in school so that I can focus on him as much as possible when he’s at home.