Sometimes I blog just because I want to get my thoughts out without anyone judging me. There are so many things I’ve been wanting to say and I just haven’t been saying. My blog isn’t anonymous enough for me to release the way I think I should.
Someone posted a quote attributed to Johnny Depp that seems to define my last couple weeks or so:
"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel."
Right now I’m feeling a lot of emotions that are uncomfortable and I am not enjoying them in the least. These emotions have given me the motivation to run; when I’m running all I hear is my heart beat, my feet hitting the pavement, and the wind rushing past me. All I feel is the movement of my muscles, the contact of my feet with the ground, my arms, my heart, my breath, my sweat… I feel like I could run all day as soon as I get this breathing thing figured out. My heart and lungs are out of shape.
And right now I think running is just what I need, at least until I can figure out what to do with these emotions. So for now, I’m going to quit trying to define them, quit trying to justify them, and just let them be and let them motivate me to move.
My fuse is short and I notice that I have been very snippy lately. I’ve also been very sensitive (as I mentioned previously). I’m taking everything way too personally, and blowing up over the smallest things. I said that I was just going to start being positive so I would feel positive and I feel like a failure for not making that work yet. I will keep trying until I get it right.