Monday, May 2, 2011

Day 112

Life is complicated.

The last week has been a big one for me. I don't know that I could classify it as the most interesting week of my life, but it is definitely up there. So many thoughts are swirling through my head and most of them will never be spoken or written publicly.

I feel excluded, I feel used, I feel betrayed, I feel misunderstood, I feel conflicted, I feel mistrust, I feel guilt, I feel shame, I feel defensive, I feel overly cautious, I feel spite, I feel hate... and from few, I feel loved. There are a lot of changes I want to make in my life, but not the ones people would expect. I am not your puppet. Your expectations will not define my actions, I will not hide who I am. I am me. And maybe I don't like everything I see either, but this is me. I will not be the "perfect" person you want me to be. I will not be flawed the way you think I should be flawed. I will be strong and I will love myself despite my faults. Yes, I will strive to change myself, to better myself... but you don't get to change me or dictate who I should be.

I wonder at how I've changed. I feel myself hardened, but not completely in a good way... when I take a look at myself objectively I wonder, do I really like what I see? Do I really like myself? How do I change? How can I disconnect myself from things that bring me down and how do I find something or someone that won't bring me down? 

How do I rid myself of anger and hate? How do I just let it go? I have been hurt so many times by the people closest to me and it makes me want to never open myself up again. I know I can't do that. But I find myself seizing up and wanting to be a hermit. When the people you're closest to stab you in the back, do you run away? Should I confront the people in my life that have caused me so much pain, or is that pointless? 

I feel lost. Without Mr B close I feel so alone. I feel like I've spent so much time learning to be partners that it is hard for me to act alone. I always wonder what he would say. 

I know he'd tell me not to be so cynical. I know he'd tell me not to close my heart. I don't really want to be alone, I just don't want to be continually hurt and taken advantage of. I want to be loved for who I am, faults and all, without expectation. Sometimes I think this would be more easily accomplished if I was just honest with myself. Am I really honest with myself? 

I know this may sound jumbled, but I'm just writing my thoughts as they spill out. I need to get some of them out.

This is perhaps a bit depressing, but I won't hide myself anymore. Take me as I am or leave me alone.

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