Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A little lost

When at a loss for words, I call on Thoreau:
"It is so mild and moist as I saunter along by the wall east of the Hill that I remember, or anticipate, one of those warm rain-storms in the spring, when the earth is just laid bare, the wind is south, and the cladonia lichens are swollen and lusty with moisture, your foot sinking into them and pressing the water out as from a sponge, and the sandy places also are drinking it in. You wander indefinitely in a beaded coat, wet to the skin of your legs, sit on moss-clad rocks and stumps, and hear the lisping of migrating sparrows flitting amid the shrub oaks, sit long at a time, still, and have your thoughts. A rain which is as serene as fair weather, suggesting fairer weather than was ever seen. You could hug the clods that defile you. You feel the fertilizing influence of the rain in your mind. The part of you that is wettest is fullest of life, like the lichens. You discover evidences of immortality not known to divines. You cease to die. You detect some buds and sprouts of life. Every step in the old rye-field is on virgin soil."
Strange how today's entry echos the thoughts of my mind. Serendipitous to find exactly what I needed at this moment.

Oh how rain is comforting in sorrow. How it soothes the turmoil.

My year has not started sweetly. Papa passed. Our apartment is moldy. Little Monster may have a social/learning disability (do not yet jump to conclusions or call me concerned, I'll let you know if there's any cause for concern. Right now I'd rather not talk about it, just write it out to ease my mind).

The trip to visit Papa was bitter-sweet. I was so glad that I decided to go and make it for my grandparent's 70th anniversary, but it was hard to see Granny cry the following day as Papa told her he was ready to go. I had never seen her cry before. That was the last day he was awake. Tuesday night he slept and did not wake. Friday night he left this life. Perhaps to a better one? It's hard for me to say one way or another about what happens once we leave this earth. Do we cease to exist? Do we continue on in another realm? Do we return as another life? Every religion has a different belief. My grandparents believe in life after death. Of eternal glory in heaven. This made his passing easier, for sure. But I really don't know what I think about life after death. Does there have to be anything else? Why do we have to have something else? Why can't this be it?
During my visit I was able to connect with various members of my family. I've felt so disconnected from my family for so long, it was nice to feel like I belonged again.

The last day of my trip I spent driving around to old familiar places. The perfect song played as I drove up to my grandparent's old house. I took my time to cry, took a picture, and moved on. I decided to visit the last place I remember spending time with my grandmother before she died when I was 8. It was rainy, the ground was moist (similar to Thoreau's description), and it was beautiful.

I returned from my trip and went dress-shopping for Jenn's wedding. I needed the distraction. Jenn's dress is fabulous and it's so perfect for her. All of us gasped when she walked out, it really is perfect for her. All of us bride's maids ended up with the same style dress, and for a fantastic price. I'll need mine fitted a bit, but I like it.

Three days later I returned home from work to find mold in my apartment. This apartment has been one problem after another. We're moving. Mr. B is putting in our notice tomorrow and we'll be out by the 1st. I'm terrified. We've been staying with some good friends about 20 minutes out of town, they've been very generous and it's worked out perfectly since their car died the night after we got here and we've been coordinating cars. I am very thankful that they have allowed us a place to stay and glad that we're able to do something for them in return.

Mr. B & I started school yesterday/today. We each have 3 online classes, 2 of which we're taking together, and Mr. B has 2 additional classes. I'm excited. I'm nervous. But mostly excited.

This next week is going to be extremely stressful and busy with school, work, and moving so quickly.

I am proud to report that I have been sticking with my gluten-free diet, and I have tried to spend at least 5 minutes every day completely to myself in relaxation. My other goals? Well, now that school has started I've learned something new every day. And I REALLY need to get to work on my exercising and training for that marathon. I need to talk to the girls, I think we planned to meet every Thursday after work for a walk. I'll have to verify that. I sure could use the exercise and company. After things settle down I'll work on finding out what kind of carbs I can get from a GF diet.

To be perfectly honest, now that school has started I don't know if I will update this very frequently. I feel bad for my fellow "Resolution Project" members, but I need to keep my goals in check. I will continue on, but I may not publish all of my endeavors.

Until next time...

1 comment:

Morningstar said...

If weather and schedules permit- Walking at the Marina at 5:30. Well, thats when I plan on getting there. I think Nicole is going to get there earlier.
Last Thursday it snowed, so we didn't go.