Emotion (edited)

"I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like"

Some of you may recognize my quote... I'm not generally one to quote Eminem, but I like how that lyric speaks of how our emotions skew our perceptions and ability to express ourselves.  I have refrained from posting much recently because I felt that I was too emotional to express myself clearly or to be reasonable.  But I am VERY emotional.  I want to complain, but I don't want to complain and it's very confusing.

Today I feel...
-afraid... terrified
-untrusting
-broken
-loved
-awkward
-angry
-forgiving
-cautious
-proud
-fortunate
-anxious

There are long stories that accompany those emotions. Right now they're all jumbled in my brain.

Knowing I have all of these emotions and that I don't know how to deal with them makes me sad, because if I don't know what to do with them, how is my son handling all of his emotions with all of the changes taking place?  Last night we watched a movie about separation and normally he would want to cuddle, but he didn't want his daddy or me to touch him... he sat in between us and kept himself from crying. I think the hardest part about being a parent is knowing that there are some things you just can't change for your kids... I want to protect him from all the hurt and sadness, but I know that if he learns to work through those emotions now it will be better for him in the long run.

And on that note... I think I'm going to stay here instead of move next year.  If I decide I can't handle it on my own here I can always change my mind.  But I want to stay here for him to have some continuity.  We can always take time to visit family.  Just based on how he's handling things this week that is my decision... give me a few weeks and I'll lean back to moving with my family.  Staying here all depends on whether or not I can get a good job.

(originally posted on  10/12/2010, updated 10/19/2010)